It’s been good for me giving this blog a bit of a rest, but I have been feeling like I’ve needed a bit of writing therapy of late.
It’s mainly because it’s that dreaded time again – CT scan time. Well, it’s a week away but that hasn’t stopped scanxiety rearing its ugly head nice and early!
I have noticed recently that there have been times I have felt more ‘me’ than I have done in previous weeks. I have more energy than I have done in a while and I feel like I’m slowly but surely ‘getting there’ wherever there is? I say it to people all the time, so I should know right!?
However, there are also times when all I do is wonder about how I can get myself completely back to ‘normal’ again. I tell myself daily to just get a grip because it can’t really be this difficult?! Cancer’s been and gone now and I need to move on – but how? How on earth do people do it?!
I see people with cancer running marathons, people who have survived cancer partying on the regs and seemingly living their best life and I see people doing so much more than me. It makes me stop and wonder if I’m doing it all wrong? Should I be doing more and making more of life?
I quickly remind myself that it’s not even six months since my surgery and that I can’t even do a full day’s work yet never mind run a few miles! I remind myself that although there are things I want to do, it’s just not the right time yet.
However as quickly as I have told myself just that, I waste no time at all in sending myself in to a complete panic because I’m worried I’m running out of time but I don’t know it yet. It’s a vicious circle.
I haven’t felt normal like I know normal for about a year now. It was around this time last year when I started to feel poorly and a lot of stuff has gone down in the last 12 months!!
I can’t remember what life was like before. I just know it was a lot easier than this even though I may not have thought it was at the time.
Being told you might have cancer is bad, being told you have cancer is worse, being told you may only have six weeks to live is even worse but I was carried through it. I leant on other people and I felt like I was floating on a cloud of love and prayers that took me through all of that. I was in the hands of, who I believe to be, the best surgeons, doctors and nurses going. I didn’t need to do much, everyone did the fixing for me.
This bit though, the get back to normal and get on with your life part feels harder than any of that was.
Now I know what being faced with cancer is like I feel like it has taken away any innocence I had left.
I see now I lived quite obliviously to a lot of life’s horrors and rightly so!
All I ever wanted was to find a boyfriend and move in with him. I felt like life was really going to start for me when I met Ash and we moved in together – I had what I had always dreamed of. It wasn’t plain sailing because I felt so poorly but I didn’t think anything too bad was going to happen. I had everything I needed to live a nice, easy, happy life minus a few million in the bank!!
I know that I still have this and that there is nothing stopping me from feeling like this again but it’s just not as easy as it sounds. I want so much for it to be, but it just isn’t.
I now know that there is a very real possibility that there could be something very horrid and very real right around the corner and I just can’t seem to get past it. Does this feeling ever stop? Do you ever go back to normal? Do you ever get ‘there’?
For now, I don’t know the answers but I hope one day soon I will. Time is a healer so they say.
“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy” – Martin Luther King, Jr.