It has been a long time since I did a blog post. So long in fact that I can’t even recall when I last posted or what it was about!
I have been wanting to write again as it helps me to get what I hold in my head everyday down on ‘paper’ and I do like to keep people updated with how I am. I know that so many people care and that there are people who would like to know how I am but don’t like to ask.
So here we go..Enjoy!
I seem to have fallen into a routine since Ash has gone back to work – which I am loving – not gonna lie! It is so nice to have some time to myself again.
My sister, Nesta says that she gets asked so often about how I am doing and her answer is always ‘She gets up everyday, gets dressed, does her make up and goes about her day, so we all do the same.’ I love that this is her answer and I love even more that it is true.
My daily mantra has become ‘Get up, dress up and show up.’ and that is what I do everyday. I get up when Ash gets up for work between six and half past, I make myself a big cup of tea and my breakfast, sit and watch an episode or two of Desperate Housewives and then have a shower and get ready for the day even if all I am doing is sitting in the house. I do this so that if that’s all I do in a day, I know that I have overcome the desire lurking somewhere inside me to slob in my dressing gown or lie in bed all day. By getting up, getting dressed and showing up, I have proven to cancer that I won’t be stopped.
As I have mentioned a few times now, I am no longer on any treatment for the cancer. The chemo that was working for me at the start of lockdown was stopped as my Oncologist was worried that carrying it on would make me too vulnerable to Covid-19. Fast forward a few months and I was told it was safe enough for me to restart the same chemo, I can’t really remember much about this time to be honest but I know that it made me feel poorly and I did a spell in hospital with an infection.
I had a CT scan after two rounds of chemo and then attended the consultation to get the results. I was told that most of the tumours had grown so clearly the treatment hadn’t worked. The consultation felt very final and almost like I was being left to fend for myself whilst waiting for death. It was quite surreal. To make things worse, I had to go on my own as you cannot take anyone in to your appointments at The Christie at the moment.
I have now been off treatment for almost three months (I think?!) and as I am coming up to my three monthly scan, I am starting to have moments of worry about what the results will be. Time will tell though I guess.
Now, on to the highlight of 2020 – The Wedding of Mr & Mrs Rigby!
We actually had to rearrange our wedding date twice and as we came up to our planned wedding date, we eventually thought we should start discussing what we should do about going ahead with it. We decided that at the end of the day we just wanted to be married so we kept the date of the registry office in the diary and then went on to find somewhere we could safely have 30 people for reception drinks.
It was so difficult choosing such a small number of people to have in attendance. We were able to invite just six people to the registry office and 28 people to the reception drinks. My direct family is 30 people so it was more than difficult! In fact it actually felt like it broke my heart having to message people like my nieces and nephews and tell them they weren’t going to be able to come. It was horrible telling those we loved that they wouldn’t be invited. Luckily though, everyone was so understanding which helped massively. Unfortunately we had no choice and it was completely out of our control but everyone totally got that which we both appreciated so much.
It turned out to be the best day we could have ever wished for. We had the ceremony at Chesterfield Registry Office – which I highly recommend by the way! Afterwards we went to the Leewood Hotel in Buxton for a few drinks. In a way it almost made it more special being such a small group of people as there was a chance to talk with each person, spend time taking pictures and we had the time to really enjoy everyone’s company. We hope to hold the second part of the wedding as soon as we can, although after Boris changing the guest number to 15 for at least six months, that now seems like a distant hope!
Although it has been a time of such joy over the past couple of months with my hen do, our wedding, honeymoon and my birthday, it has also been a time of reflection on how my life is right now.
Being a newly married woman I want to be doing my part as a housewife. Some of you might frown upon this but all I ever wanted from life was to get married and be a housewife. Now I feel like I have everything I ever wanted – besides the cancer obviously! But it just isn’t that straightforward for me. I want to be home making, baking and having Ash’s tea ready when he comes home. I try so hard to do the things I want to but my body just doesn’t play ball.
I can’t stand for long periods of time, so for example, making a meal takes much longer than it should because I have to take regular breaks, same with washing up and don’t even get me started on showering! I can’t easily go up and down the stairs, I get exhausted from using them, especially in the evening when I am more tired.
There are times when Ash has to help me do little things like get ready for bed, put my shoes and socks on because I can’t easily bend my legs, wait for me outside the bathroom whilst I have a shower when I feel faint because of pain and finish off or do little jobs around the house for me. It is so frustrating not being able to just get on with things. It feels like my independence is slipping through my fingers and there is no way I can grab it back.
However I count myself so incredibly lucky that I have a husband who is willing to do all of these things for me and even more, he wants to because he wants to see me safe, comfortable and happy. I really feel so blessed that he stuck around for me. He could have easily cut and run but he chose to stay – What a guy!
**I am actually writing this post from my very comfy recliner armchair at the East Cheshire Hospice. I have come for a stay for pain management and to try and sort out some other cancer related issues I am currently dealing with.
I suffer with pain every day however over the past few weeks it has got to the point where it is so bad it is making me feel sick and it leaves me unable to do anything. On top of this I am not sleeping well, I get between two and four hours sleep a night which isn’t good when you have a body that is fighting so hard every day.
I have had an inpatient stay here before so I know that it will help me massively and that I will leave in a much better place than when I arrived! Everyone here is so lovely – last time I was here I described them all as angels in scrubs and that is definitely what they are!
I think I will leave this post here for now – I could go on forever so I have to stop myself somewhere haha!
Thank you so much for taking the time to read.
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